Fic: Here By My Side (SGA, John Sheppard, gen)

[xanphibian]

Title: Here By My Side
Author: xanphibian
Fandom: SGA
Summary: You are destruction.


John’s first gun had pellets and not bullets, and you had to pump it up fifteen times before every shot. It was bought specifically by his parents so he could learn safety and patience, and his father put up paper targets on the side of a tree for John to work with.

After he mastered the little paper bull’s eye, his father hung a can from a branch by a long piece of fishing line, so that John could learn how to shoot a moving target.

He moved on from the air pistol, to rifles, to his father’s .38.

John loved guns. He loved learning to load them and clean them, loved the way his father stood behind him to correct his stance. He loved the way the bullets went into their slots, onetwothreefourfivesix. Loved the feel of the metal against his small hands. He loved the way his father nodded with satisfaction after he’d hit the bull’s eye, hit the can, and the way that night at dinner his mother would look at them both and mutter under her breath about boys and their toys.

But then, at that age, guns were not weapons. They weren’t toys, either; he’d had that drilled into his head from the first time he’d ever seen a gun, and begged his father to let him hold it. And from the first time he’d held his own Crossman 1300 Medalist, that wonderful little air pistol that was his and his alone, he’d promised his parents that he’d always be responsible, never forget it was a gun.

He went on to win blue ribbons and trophies, which went up on the mantle along with his bronzed baby shoes and the picture of him with nothing on but a diaper and chocolate cake. Shooting at targets and hitting them dead on was natural, and John had always had an aptitude for it. It helped that he loved it – the mechanics, the accuracy involved, the way he was the best at it. He’d had friends whose parents wouldn’t let them even look at a gun, who refused to even own one. They seemed to think he was some kind of superhero when they saw the mantle, or when he told them about the tournament at summer camp where he beat out everyone and got the most points for his cabin.

It was something that made John feel unique, and special, and shooting was something he could always remember and say, “Hey, I’m good at that.” Guns beat out everything, even go-carts and the dream of flying, for the number one place in his heart.

Until, that is, the first time he used a gun to kill.

John doesn’t love guns anymore. He carries because he has to, and because that’s who and what he is. He still goes to target practice because he needs to, so he can keep sharp and protect his team. His city. But hitting a target shaped like a person is different from hitting a target that’s just circles, and shooting a Wraith – or a man – running at him is different from hitting the aluminum of that first moving target swinging in the summer breeze.

Now, guns are still not weapons. He is the weapon. He is a crack shot, can assemble and use every damned piece of firepower the USAF or Pegasus galaxy has ever shoved into his hands. He can kill. Does kill. It isn’t all he is. He knows this. Knows he is more than commander and pilot and killer. But sometimes, the fact that he is a weapon blots out everything else, and he wishes he could go back to when guns were just something cool to do, and being the best damned shot around only meant a trophy and his picture in the paper.

Comments

[altyronsmaker.livejournal.com]

Oh. Lovely insight into John. Bravura, hon.

[xanphibian.livejournal.com]

:) Thank you.

[monanotlisa.livejournal.com]

Oh, wow -- that's a fantastic John interpretation piece.

I knew where you were going with this early on, but it didn't take away any of the impact because you deal with this theme so outstandingly well, with sparse, poignant words, words that linger like the echo long after a shot's been fired.

[xanphibian.livejournal.com]

*wriggles happily* Thank you, Mona. :)

[elucidate-this.livejournal.com]

god this is wonderful. well done.

[xanphibian.livejournal.com]

:) Thank you, darling.

[gentle-thorns.livejournal.com]

oh. oh. greenie.

*heart breaks a little*

This is so good.

[xanphibian.livejournal.com]

Thank you! So, you gonna get caught up with my shinyshiny show? :)

[gentle-thorns.livejournal.com]

You! *points finger*

I spent all of sunday reading SGA fic and i have no way of watching it.

*hates*

and i really really want to... dammit.

[xanphibian.livejournal.com]

No way at ALL for you to watch? *lip wibble*

[gentle-thorns.livejournal.com]

No way at ALL, no.

[dark-cygnet.livejournal.com]

Nice!

[xanphibian.livejournal.com]

:) Thanks.

[springwoof.livejournal.com]

cool.
He is the weapon. great line.

[xanphibian.livejournal.com]

:) Thank you!

[sorrelchestnut.livejournal.com]

What a great portrait of his character. Loved this.

[xanphibian.livejournal.com]

Thank you! :)

[burningchaos.livejournal.com]

First off Weapon by Matthew Good Band and is high on my is of all time fave songs...seriously high. Second this kicks ass. I love it.

[xanphibian.livejournal.com]

Thank you! I was listening to the song and thought 'dude, that's so John'. Usually I listen to it and think of Gangs of New York. Um, don't ask me why, it's a long story.

[cathexys.livejournal.com]

Oh, that was really good! I love the "He is the weapon."

And as the mother of two young boys who were supposed to be raised without guns yet make everything into one, I can very much relate to the beginning!!!

Thank you!

[xanphibian.livejournal.com]

And as the mother of two young boys who were supposed to be raised without guns yet make everything into one

Same here. Silly kids. I was raised *with* guns, but I didn't want to take the chance with my own. My boys don't care, though, EVERYTHING is a gun.

Thank you for the feedback! :)

[justhuman.livejournal.com]

Nice.

[xanphibian.livejournal.com]

Thank you! :)

[vampiegirl.livejournal.com]

cleverly done.

[xanphibian.livejournal.com]

:) Thank you!

[claudia79ad.livejournal.com]

As one of those kids who's parents wouldn't even let them see a gun, I can't really relate, but you make the emotions so clear and accessible, that I can empathize.

[xanphibian.livejournal.com]

Thank you! I'm glad you were able to relate to John, even though it's outside of your experience. I was the kid who got the air pistol for her 7th birthday. :)

[adafrog.livejournal.com]

Beautiful character piece. Thanks.

[xanphibian.livejournal.com]

Thank you!